Monday, December 12, 2005

I wish I was a baller...


Okay, so I am 24 years old and suck at team sports, especially basketball. There it is. There is no way to disguise it, no way to ignore it, and seemingly no way to improve it. I played soccer two seasons a year from about 2nd to 8th grade, but by then I had sufficiently demonstrated my lack of hand-eye-foot coordination and so it became necessary to concentrate on sports that rely more on individual effort, like cross-country. The problem with that whole individual effort thing is that it requires physical ability, and I fall short there, too. So you see the rut I am in.

I am in the Army now and the problem with the army is that everyone in the army assumes you have some background in team sports. Don't get me wrong, I love to play sports, I am just awful. The other night we played basketball and it became clear to me that my deep, dark secret had become known in this new group, too. I touched the ball three times, all by accident, and I did absolutely nothing with it each time. I was an embarassment. And you cannot explain away missing an easy layup all alone in the paint by saying, "but I was on public access tv every monday night for two years for high school brain bowl." No amount of knowledge of the Seminole Indians will make up for the inability to make a free throw when it counts.

I hate the fact that I know every major player in the Civil War and cannot make a layup in traffic. I hate the fact that the only position my college fraternity would let me play in softball was catcher, because this was presumably where I could do the least amount of damage. I cannot change what I am, I can only hope my teammates will forgive my ineptitude in this one, crucial area of my life. Luckily the woman to whom I am getting married has brothers and uncles that are way over six feet tall and seem to be fairly athletic, so there is hope for future generations.

The problem with sucking at sports is that since you suck, you never get the ball because you are a detriment to your team's chances of success and the best thing that you can do is pretend you are part of the court. But since you never get the chance to do anything, when those rare opportunities occur that fate decides to put you in the spotlight, you always blow it because you didn't even get to shoot around when everyone else was warming up before the game. It is a vicious cycle. I guess the only way to break a 24 year slump is to shoot through it. So pass me the rock, I got the hot hand.
-yb


5 Comments:

Anonymous UJ said...

yb, while I sympathize with your plight, I should remind you that you have two very athletic first cousins, one of whom recently won the western district (TX) soccer championship, and who just completed an undefeated volleyball season at her middle school.

You can't claim biological ineptitude, as even I have a team championship under my ample belt (Providence College Intramural Softball, 1981 - versus the Division I basketball team no less).

There's no shame in being in the "brain bowl", but remind me at any future family picnics to avoid selecting you in any team activities. I will also do my best to mentor any future offspring from your upcoming marriage to avoid the shame you must feel.

;-)

We miss you and wish you and your unit well.

UJ

11:28 PM  
Blogger Stumpy's Bear said...

Whenever you hear someone use the term "team sports," its generally an dead giveaway that they suck at anything athletic

10:41 AM  
Anonymous sinewaylaw said...

There's nothing wrong with being a catcher, especially in softball. You don't have to run, or make plays, or really even think about defense at all. In fact, you can even smoke a cigarette or two while playing. Being a catcher allows you to concentrate on your upcoming at-bats, so that you can dominate with massive homeruns (or, just weakly ground out to shortstop, whichever...)

11:47 AM  
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